Learning to Love My Teen the Way He Needs to Be Loved

By Jessica R. Duggins

We all want to be loved, adults and children a like. And when we are loved, when our needs are met, we feel supported, confident, and empowered and all is right in the world. So how does this help when parenting? It reminds us to parent with love first, and responsibility second. Once we are fluent with the way our children respond to love, once we are in tuned with their needs and motivators, we can gain their trust and in turn guide them with cooperation, respect and love to healthy development.

I’m so excited to share one of my favorite visual tools that I use to remind myself of this focus. A simple chart I came across while feeling frustrated in another relationship of importance, my marriage. I found myself feeling resentful, exhausted, over entitled, and unfulfilled. I was in a rut and I put myself there by holding my most loved ones to expectations unbeknownst to them. My expectations. The expectation that they will love me as I expect them too and if they don’t then I will self destruct and hold them all responsible. That’s crazy, right? But all to common, maybe not so dramatic but common. And we deal with it, we live life banging our heads against a padded wall going maybe someday they’ll get it, if I beat it in their heads enough, maybe they will care about the things I care about at my intensity. Why would I really want that anyway? I love these people for who they are and what makes them unique to my heart.

What if instead we empathized, one of my favorite words when it comes to parenting. What makes my kiddo happy, what puts a smile on his face, what lifts his heart? Not mine, not what makes me feel safe and cozy and cared for but from his perspective.

I am a physical lover, I love hugs and cuddles, and spooning, and nuzzles.  And although I may enjoy that and maybe my two year old does also but my teen on the spectrum not so much. Physical contact makes him visibly uncomfortable. That’s not to say he doesn’t return it, but that’s because he knows its my love language, it makes my heart rise when he hugs me on his own, my smile cracks from ear to ear when he kisses me on his own, and he knows it, he’s so smart.

So how do you figure out how your child loves, when they have challenges communicating simple daily needs, or any words at all? Observe and learn. try some different approaches. The chart below is printed out over my computer because that is the place I tend to get most frustrated with my children because I am not trying to focus on them but myself.

5 languages of love- children

This moms site has some great printbles to get you started for free, after a simple email subscription, and I do suggest you print it out and put it somewhere your kids seem to get your goat most, maybe the bathroom, or kitchen. The visual concrete reference will help to create this process of rethinking your approach when parenting and hopefully ease frustration. I did not invent the Five Languages of love, no, just lucky enough to stumble upon Dr. Gary Chapman’s ideas in my research to better my communication and understanding skills in my nuclear family.

True love, unconditional love, is not easy, it does not just happen. You have to do the work and commit to change no matter how uncomfortable it may feel in the beginning. You have to make the effort to see another way of life, of love. As with all new habits, it has to be habitual for results, but when we falter we have to be kind enough to forgive ourselves and start over. Good luck guys, please comment below and share if this chart helped you out or even if  it didn’t.

-JRED

Spreading Awareness of the World of Autism- Applied Behavioral Analysis or ABA

If you’re a parent of a child with Autism you have probably heard the term ABA, an acronym for Applied Behavioral Analysis. If you’ve wondered exactly what therapies are available to help people with Autism, this is one of them. It is a form of therapy that is highly repetitive and firmly structured something most of our kids respond well to, but my wonder is how much comprehension is being communicated through these flash card download sessions? ABA has been considered a very successful form of therapy for children on the spectrum and unlike many forms of therapy for Autism it is scientifically supported.

With the documentation of its success I like most parents, wanted to see my son in a program that offered ABA. When my son was 3 this was not easy to find. I was warned it was very intense and I may not want my child involved in such a severe form of therapy. After hearing that I imagined how intense it could be, was he strapped to a chair and forced to look at images? Was medication involved? What were the adverse reactions if any? I began to imagine ABA as a form of Aversion Therapy similar to the kind Alex from Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange receives.

Although ABA is intense and repetitive it is not as torturous as it was depicted to me. I think I was discouraged because of the lack of trained specialist and programs available at that time. Now, ten years later, every special education program claims to use the ABA method. They say it is “built into” the curriculum. As someone who used my own version of this method during our home school sessions, I can’t see how it could be. It is a method done one on one with minimal distraction. The information is delivered at a rapid, repetitive pace. I found the ABA method most useful during math drills as repetition with mathematics seems to work better than a slow research and discovery process, used for other subjects that require more comprehension than memorization like reading.

I noticed that J was memorizing these math equations but very rarely comprehending the results such as the value or quantity, and he couldn’t discuss it outside of the ABA sessions, which made me wonder is ABA the most effective method or is it a way to cram information into our kids brains so they can perform like parakeets? What do you think? Please respond in the comment area with your own experiences with ABA, would love to hear from Board Certified therapist on this as well.

-JRED

Website about ABA

Applied Behavior Analysis

“Applied Behavior Analysis is the process of systematically applying interventions based upon the principles of learning theory to improve socially significant behaviors to a meaningful degree, and to demonstrate that the interventions employed are responsible for the improvement in behavior“ -As defined by Baer,Wolf, & Risley.

5 Apps for Autism

While I was home schooling J, I used his love for tech to my advantage. Unfortunately there is a lot of unproductive technology out there which can lead to stimming. So I tried a lot of different apps before finding some great ones that keep him focused and learning, and having fun. Here are 5 Apps I used to turn my son’s iPad into a learning tool.

1. Pictello– at $19.99 it’s the priciest app on this list but worth it. J has communication challenges and this app supports sentence construction. It also allows him to create a social story of his own with pictures, video, text, and sound.

pictello

2. Shelby’s Quest– $4.99. This app focuses on fine motor and visual perceptive skills. While I was homeschooling I used this during our Occupational Therapy sessions with great success.

Shelby's Quest

3. Endless Alphabet, Reader, Numbers, and Wordplay– Free. Originator Inc. is the team behind these great apps. They each focus on the title indication, they teach letters sounds and words, reading skills and sentence structure, counting and basic addition, and spelling patterns and phonograms. The app itself is free however the packs to add additional words and content start at $4.99 a pack. I suggest trying the free trial first before committing to bundle packs. J loves this whole series so much I’ve even purchased him new packs as positive reinforcement as a reward for good behavior.

Endless Reader

4. Albert– $0.99. This app is so much fun and very challenging, think “Dumb Ways to Die” but for kids. It utilizes all tools of the iPad and even works on iPhone. It also teaches sequence as you are following Albert through out his day waking him up, helping him bathe and get dressed as well as other daily tasks like driving and grocery shopping. These mini games are challenging and as with all the apps I’ve listed I suggest playing it with your child, J and I take turns on Albert and even I don’t pass the challenge sometimes which is a great opportunity to teach J about what to do when we lose at a game.

Albert

5. Dr. Seuss Books– Oceanhouse Media brings the beloved Dr. Seuss’ books to life. An interactive book, your child won’t just read but also be able to play and record. J and I like to go page for page while we record the story. The classic “Dr. Seuss’ ABC’s” is a free sample so you may want to start there to see if your child enjoys this format before purchasing other titles. Great for kids who can get a little rough with actual books. Titles start at $2.99, they tend to go on sale every so often, usually around Dr. Seuss’ birthday (March), that’s usually when I stock up.

Dr. Seuss

These are just a few apps we’ve come to know and love in our house. They serve as a great opportunity for J and I to practice appropriate play skills such as taking turns and encouragement. They are also great while on the go as they keep him entertained and learning. I’ll add some more that we use soon. Let me know if you’ve had any success with these apps as well or any you would like me to include in the next list. Thanks.

-JRED

Spreading Awareness of the World of Autism- What is Stimming?

Ever crack your knuckles or your neck? Maybe you rub your hands when your thinking or nervous. We do these things to self soothe and feel more comfortable. Some times we do it without even noticing because it just feels good. Well that’s basically the purpose of stimming in a person living with Autism. Unlike most people who have self stimulating habits, someone on the spectrum may have no control over this. Some common stimms I’ve seen in my son J are humming, hand clapping, jumping, rocking and visual/audio stimulants. Here are some of his favorite stimm videos, he will watch these over an over, rewinding and fast forwarding to achieve the visual or audio stimulation he enjoys:

It’s a form of self soothing but can be unproductive, socially inappropriate and further detaches J from us so I try to limit this kind of stimm with redirection. I even point out to him that he is stimming so he can become aware of this behavior and eventually redirect himself toward something more enriching and socially engaging. I will usually suggest a new activity, for example if he is stimming on YouTube I will suggest going to a more interactive site like PBS Kids so we can play a game together. If he is humming or rocking while we are out I will try to apply deep pressure to his shoulders and arms, here’s an example of what I mean:

Stimming- (as defined by North Shore Pediatric Therapy ) – Stereotypy or self-stimulatory behavior refers to repetitive body movements or repetitive movement of objects. These movements are used solely to stimulate one’s own senses. This behavior is common in many individuals with developmental disabilities; it appears to be most common in children and adults with autism. It is important to note that not all self-injurious behaviors are considered to be self- stimulatory. Self-injurious behavior can also be communicative.

If you have any stimming stories or recommendations please share below and share to spread the awareness of why people with Autism stimm. Thanks.

-JRED

6 Activities for Grandparents To Do With Their Grandchild Who Lives With Autism.

Don't Forget To Have Fun!
Don’t Forget To Have Fun!

J is one of 16 grandchildren and the only one on the spectrum. My nieces and nephews thankfully all know how to engage, ask questions and speak their minds like most kids. I think sometimes when it comes to J most people forget that they have to initiate the conversation and interaction when trying to create a bond. Luckily most people are very open-minded to any suggestions toward engaging with J, especially my parents. They are always looking for ways to include him when he comes to visit. I’ve learned one of the best ways to bond with J is to engage in a learning activity of some sort. He loves when I teach him things like cooking, a craft, reading, even gardening. Here are 6 activities grandparents or anyone looking to bond with a child on the spectrum can try.

1. Reading– When J goes with his grandparents for the night I like to stop by the library and pick up a few books to send him with something new so he’s not expecting them to read it the way I do. I pick out books that are at his reading level so he can read to them as well. When we read together I like to go page for page with J. I give him lots of time and assist by hinting the sounds of words that are tricky for him. Sometimes he gets so confident he will take over and read the whole book to me. Before he could read as well we spent more time discussing the pictures. I did most of the talking but he was certainly listening, learning and enjoying the shared moment.

2. Cleaning- Although it is not J’s favorite thing to do he does like learning a new skill, being helpful and feeling accomplished when its done. When I want J to help out by cleaning I ask him to do simple things like carry the clothes from the dryer to my bed, and take the dishes out of the dishwasher. He also helps make the beds, and fold his laundry. One of his favorite things is to help fold sheets and blankets because I give him a kiss when our corners meet. Cleaning can be a great opportunity to talk and explain simple tasks that are part of life. I wouldn’t recommend having them help with things that you like a specific or intricate way unless you don’t mind doing it again afterward. This could become frustrating for the both of you if the task is too difficult for the child.  Always keep the child’s capabilities in mind not their age.

3. Gardening and Yard Work- When I am gardening I like to give J a little project of his own I will have him dig holes for my seeds or scoop up dirt to fill the holes. I always make sure he is wearing clothes I don’t mind getting trashed as well. His favorite thing is to water everything. TIP- if letting your assistant gardener water your plants, fill the can with just enough water so they don’t over water. Don’t be afraid to enlist older stronger kids to push around a wheel barrel or rake up some leaves. With simple instruction our kids can be pretty helpful. Don’t forget to stand back and admire the work you have accomplished together and always show your pride and appreciation for their help.

4. Cooking and Meal Preparation- J is very curious about what goes on in the kitchen mainly because he is a picky eater and wants to know just how and what is going into his food. I saw this as a great opportunity to get him involved. He enjoys mixing, measuring and pouring. He also likes when I tell him about all my ingredients and when I explain what I am doing. His favorite recipes are dough based, I always make him a personal dough ball so he can roll it around and squish it to his liking for a while. This is a great opportunity to teach sequence and time,  for example, “first we do ABC, then we do LMNOP, after TUV amount of time we have XYZ.” If you want to make it a bit easier you can write out simple steps ahead of time to create a visual. Have them refer back to it for each step. Be sure to work in an area you don’t mind getting messy or prep it for the potential mess. Enlisting them for clean up is also a great idea but be sure to keep their capabilities in mind, for example J is good at taking things to the sink, rinsing them off and loading the dishwasher, not so great at wiping the table off without flinging most of it to the ground.  Setting the table is also an easy way to make your kitchen assistant feel helpful.

5. Pass Down an Interest or Hobby- whether your handy with wood or like to knit sharing a personal hobby can be rewarding for both grandparent and child on the spectrum. Try to share a simpler aspect of the hobby first for example if you are good with carpentry, teach them to hammer a nail before trying to build something like a birdhouse. Use some scrap wood so they can practice it a few times. Maybe bird watching is your hobby, most kids like using binoculars, make a game of it by seeing how many birds they can find. Maybe photography is your hobby, start out simple by teaching them to pick a subject, maybe a favorite toy, and take a picture of it.

6. Prayer- I recently started teaching my son about prayer and the belief in God. I have taken him to church when no one is there but have not yet worked up to a full mass. When I was a kid my grandmother taught me prayers and took me to church all the time. Our faith is still something we share to this day.

Whatever activity you decide remember to always keep the child’s abilities in mind, they maybe thirteen but also maybe unable to cut with a knife. Don’t ask them if they want to do it, invite them to do it with you. Try to make each activity fun and exciting even if it seems simple and mundane to you. Explain the importance behind it. Keep instructions simple. Always be encouraging but allow them to make mistakes and when correcting BE PATIENT AND KIND. Share your own stories about how you learned this skill or why you enjoy said hobby, they may not be able to communicate much back but they are listening.

Let me know if this post helps or share your own stories and ideas for activities you have found to be enjoyable below.  Thanks.

-JRED

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